The Beauty of Words That Build Others Up
Reflections on listening, family relationships, pastoral care, and the biblical wisdom of speaking words that build others up.
By Paul Zhang (张崇助)
The Beauty of Words That Build Others Up
By Paul Zhang (张崇助)
There is an old saying that if you could develop only one interpersonal skill in your lifetime, learning how to communicate well would be among the wisest choices you could make.
When I was younger, I did not fully appreciate this idea. After all, speaking seems so natural. We learn to talk as children, and most of us spend our lives communicating with others. Why should something so ordinary require a lifetime of learning?
But as I have grown older, encountered different people, experienced different cultures, and served in pastoral ministry, I have come to realize something important:
Speaking is a natural ability. Speaking wisely is a cultivated virtue.
Some people have a remarkable ability to make others feel comfortable with just a few words. Others may have good intentions but somehow leave people feeling misunderstood or discouraged.
A thoughtful sentence can heal a wounded relationship. A careless remark can damage years of trust.
Words are invisible, yet their influence can last a lifetime. They can become bridges that connect hearts or walls that separate people. They can encourage someone to keep going or cause someone to lose hope.
We speak every day, but we do not necessarily grow wiser in how we speak. Perhaps that is why the art of conversation is not simply a social skill.
It is a lifelong journey of learning how to love others through our words.
Recently, I watched a video about communication skills. One idea particularly caught my attention.
When someone thanks you for helping them, instead of always responding with a routine “You're welcome,” you might sometimes offer a warmer response.
For example:
“I'm really glad I could help. Please let me know if there's anything else I can do.”
Or:
“It was my pleasure. I hope everything goes smoothly from here.”
There is nothing wrong with saying “You're welcome.” It is perfectly polite and appropriate. However, a slightly more personal response can communicate something beyond courtesy. It tells the other person that their well-being matters to you.
This reminds me of my own experience learning English. Like many Chinese students, I learned a familiar conversation pattern in school:
“How are you?”
“Fine, thank you. And you?”
“I'm fine, too.”
Grammatically, there is nothing wrong with this exchange. But the conversation often ends almost as soon as it begins.
After moving to the United States, I gradually discovered that everyday English conversations can work differently.
When someone asks, “How are you doing today?” the question may simply be a friendly greeting. In that case, a brief answer is entirely appropriate. But when the situation allows for a longer conversation, we can use the opportunity to build a connection.
For example:
“I'm doing pretty well, thanks! Yesterday, I spent a wonderful afternoon with some friends. How about you? How was your weekend?”
Suddenly, the conversation has somewhere to go. The other person might ask where we went, what we did, or how we know each other. A simple greeting becomes an opportunity for meaningful interaction.
Of course, not every conversation needs to be long. Good communication requires sensitivity to time, context, and the other person's willingness to engage.
The goal is not to speak more.
The goal is to make room for genuine human connection.
A good conversation is not a performance in which one person impresses another. It is an exchange in which both people feel seen, heard, and respected.
Much of the art of conversation lies in small details.
Consider what happens when someone asks: “How have you been lately?”
We might respond: “Not bad.” That is a perfectly acceptable answer.
But when speaking with someone who genuinely cares about us, we might say: “Things have been going well, thank you for asking. I really appreciate you checking in. How have you and your family been?”
The difference is subtle but meaningful. We have not merely answered a question. We have acknowledged another person's kindness.
The same principle applies when someone compliments us.
Suppose a friend says: “You did a wonderful job today!”
Some people immediately reject the compliment: “Oh, no. It wasn't good at all.”
Humility is valuable, but constantly dismissing compliments can make it difficult for others to express sincere appreciation.
A more gracious response might be: “Thank you. That really means a lot to me. I'm glad it was helpful.”
This response accepts encouragement without becoming arrogant.
Now imagine that a friend shares some wonderful news. Perhaps their child has been accepted into college. Perhaps they have received a promotion after years of hard work.
We could simply say, “Congratulations!” But we might also say: “I'm genuinely happy for you. I know how much effort you've put into this. You must feel incredibly grateful and relieved.”
The second response recognizes not only the achievement but also the journey behind it. It communicates understanding. And understanding is often what people value most.
The same is true when someone is suffering.
When a friend tells us about a painful experience, our first instinct may be to offer advice: “Don't worry.” “Try not to think about it.” “Everything will be fine.”
Although these statements may be well-intentioned, they can unintentionally minimize another person's pain.
Sometimes a better response is: “That sounds incredibly difficult.” “I'm sorry you're going through this.” “If you'd like to talk, I'm here to listen.” “We don't have to solve everything today. We can take things one step at a time.”
True comfort does not rush someone out of their pain. It offers companionship in the middle of it.
This is where communication moves beyond technique and becomes an expression of compassion.
Long before modern communication theories and emotional intelligence became popular, the Bible offered profound wisdom about human speech.
Proverbs 18:21 declares:
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue.”
— Proverbs 18:21, KJV
This is an extraordinary statement. The tongue is a small part of the human body, yet Scripture describes its influence in terms of life and death.
Consider the power of a parent's words. A child who repeatedly hears, “You are worthless,” may carry those words into adulthood. But a child who hears, “I believe in you. You can learn from this mistake,” may develop the courage to face future challenges.
A few sentences can shape a person's understanding of themselves.
Words also affect marriages, friendships, churches, and entire communities. A sincere apology may restore a damaged relationship. A thoughtless accusation may destroy trust. An encouraging word may give someone strength to continue.
In James 3, the apostle compares the tongue to the rudder of a ship and a small fire capable of setting a forest ablaze. Both images reveal the same truth. Something small can produce enormous consequences.
The apostle Paul provides another important principle:
“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying.”
— Ephesians 4:29, KJV
The word edifying means building up. This gives Christians a practical standard for evaluating their speech.
Before speaking, we should ask ourselves: Is what I am about to say true? Is it necessary? Is it appropriate for this moment? Will it help build someone up?
These questions do not mean that Christians should avoid difficult conversations. Sometimes love requires correction. Sometimes truth must be spoken even when it is uncomfortable.
But Scripture calls us to speak truth in love. Ephesians 4:15 reminds believers of the importance of “speaking the truth in love.”
Truth and love are not competing values. They belong together.
Truth without love can become harsh and destructive. Love without truth can become shallow and misleading.
Wise communication refuses to sacrifice either truth or compassion.
I have noticed something interesting about human relationships. Many people are extremely polite to strangers but surprisingly impatient with their own families.
At work, they speak respectfully to colleagues. In public, they are careful about their tone. But once they return home, they may become careless with their words.
A husband becomes irritated by a simple question. A wife dismisses her husband's suggestion. Parents criticize their children without considering how their words might affect them.
Why do we sometimes offer our best manners to strangers while giving our harshest words to those we love most?
Perhaps familiarity makes us careless. We assume that our families will understand us, forgive us, and remain with us regardless of how we speak. But love should never become an excuse for thoughtlessness.
Consider a simple conversation between husband and wife.
One asks: “What would you like to do this weekend?”
The other responds: “Whatever.” “Anything is fine.” “You decide.”
There is nothing inherently wrong with these answers. But if they become the standard response to every question, the other person may begin to feel that their thoughts and plans are unimportant.
A more thoughtful answer might be: “I'd love to hear what you have in mind. Let's decide together.” Or: “Your idea sounds great. Why don't we try that this weekend?”
These responses communicate participation and appreciation. Healthy marriages do not require one spouse to agree with everything the other says. Rather, they require mutual respect, honest communication, and a willingness to listen.
The same principle applies to parenting.
Imagine a child who receives a disappointing grade. A frustrated parent might say: “Why can't you do better?” “What's wrong with you?” “Look at how well other children are doing!”
Such words may express disappointment, but they rarely help children develop confidence or responsibility.
A more constructive response would be: “I know you're disappointed. Let's figure out what happened and how you can improve.” “One test doesn't define your future.” “What can we learn from this experience?”
The goal is not to remove accountability. The goal is to combine accountability with encouragement.
Proverbs 15:1 teaches:
“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.”
— Proverbs 15:1, KJV
Many family conflicts escalate not because the original problem is particularly serious, but because of the way people respond to one another. A harsh answer produces another harsh answer. Anger invites more anger. But a gentle response can interrupt the cycle.
Sometimes changing one sentence can change the direction of an entire conversation.
And over time, changing our conversations can change the atmosphere of our homes.
Throughout my years in pastoral ministry, I have learned that communication is not merely a practical skill. It is also a spiritual responsibility.
Pastors regularly encounter people facing difficult circumstances. Some struggle with marriage and family relationships. Others experience financial hardship, illness, loneliness, or disappointment. Still others carry the deep sorrow of losing someone they love.
When people come to us with these burdens, it is tempting to offer immediate advice. We may quote a Bible verse, explain a theological principle, or suggest a practical solution.
There is certainly a place for biblical teaching and wise counsel. But I have increasingly come to recognize that people in pain do not always need an immediate explanation. Sometimes they first need someone who is willing to listen.
The Book of Job offers a powerful lesson.
After Job experienced devastating losses, three friends came to comfort him. At first, they sat with him in silence for seven days and seven nights. They recognized the depth of his suffering. Their silent presence was a meaningful expression of companionship.
Unfortunately, when they began offering explanations for Job's suffering, their words became increasingly harmful. They assumed they understood the reasons behind his suffering and repeatedly suggested that his troubles must somehow be connected to his wrongdoing.
Instead of comforting Job, their arguments added to his distress.
This story reminds us of an important pastoral principle:
Sometimes the most compassionate thing we can say is nothing at all.
Silence is not always an absence of care. It can be a powerful expression of love.
When someone loses a family member, we may feel pressure to say something spiritually profound. We might say: “God has a plan.” “You need to be strong.” “Everything happens for a reason.”
Such statements may reflect an attempt to offer hope, but they can also sound dismissive when spoken too quickly.
A grieving person may not need an explanation of suffering at that moment. They may need someone to sit beside them, listen to their memories, and allow them to cry.
Sometimes the most meaningful words are simply: “I'm so sorry.” “I don't have all the answers, but I'm here with you.” “Would it be all right if I prayed with you?”
As a pastor, I believe that biblical truth is essential to genuine spiritual care. But biblical truth must be communicated with wisdom, sensitivity, and love.
Jesus Himself provides the perfect example.
In John 11, when Jesus came to the tomb of Lazarus, He encountered Mary and others who were grieving. Although Jesus knew that He would raise Lazarus from the dead, He did not dismiss their sorrow.
Instead, Scripture tells us:
“Jesus wept.”
— John 11:35, KJV
Only two words in English. Yet they reveal something profoundly beautiful about the heart of Christ.
Jesus did not remain emotionally distant from human suffering. He entered into the grief of those He loved. His tears expressed genuine compassion.
This is a lesson every pastor, counselor, parent, and friend should remember.
Before people are ready to hear our answers, they often need to know that we understand their pain.
Today, countless books, videos, and courses promise to teach people how to become more persuasive, likable, and emotionally intelligent.
Some of these resources offer genuinely helpful insights. They teach us to listen carefully, express appreciation, and communicate with greater sensitivity.
However, there is also a danger. If we reduce communication to a collection of clever phrases designed to make everyone like us, we may become skilled at manipulating relationships rather than building genuine ones.
For example, if someone makes a clearly unwise decision, we should not automatically say: “That's a brilliant idea!”
If a friend is behaving irresponsibly, we should not pretend everything is fine merely to avoid an uncomfortable conversation. And if someone asks for our honest opinion, we should not replace truth with empty compliments.
Good communication does not mean agreeing with everyone. Nor does emotional intelligence mean avoiding every disagreement.
Mature communication requires both kindness and courage.
Jesus demonstrated this balance throughout His ministry. He treated the brokenhearted with compassion. He welcomed those who were rejected by society. He offered forgiveness and hope to repentant sinners.
Yet He also confronted hypocrisy, challenged religious pride, and spoke firmly against injustice and spiritual deception.
His gentleness was never weakness. His courage was never cruelty. His words were guided by truth, holiness, and love.
This should shape the way Christians understand communication. We should not learn to speak well merely to gain popularity, influence, or personal advantage.
Those things may sometimes result from effective communication, but they should not become our ultimate goal. Our deeper calling is to speak in ways that honor God and serve others.
When we are young, we often feel an urgent need to express ourselves. We want to defend our opinions, prove our arguments, and demonstrate what we know.
As we grow older, however, we may begin to realize that wisdom is not measured by how much we say. Sometimes wisdom means speaking less. Sometimes it means asking better questions. Sometimes it means allowing another person to finish speaking before offering our response.
And sometimes it means choosing not to win an argument.
James 1:19 gives a remarkably practical instruction:
“Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”
— James 1:19, KJV
These words are especially relevant in our modern world. We live in an age of constant communication. Social media allows us to publish opinions instantly. Messages travel across the world in seconds. Everyone has opportunities to speak, comment, criticize, and respond.
Yet the ability to communicate instantly does not necessarily make us better communicators. In fact, we may be losing the discipline of careful listening.
We often respond before understanding. We judge before asking questions. We assume motives without knowing the whole story. We defend our positions without seriously considering another person's perspective.
Perhaps one of the most important communication skills we can develop is the ability to pause.
Before responding, we might ask: “Could you help me understand what you mean?” “Can you tell me more about that?” “How did that experience affect you?” “What would be most helpful to you right now?”
These questions communicate respect. They also remind us that we do not know everything.
As I continue learning English and interacting with people from different cultural backgrounds, I am reminded that communication requires humility.
Sometimes I struggle to find the right words. Sometimes I misunderstand an expression. Sometimes I need someone to repeat a sentence or explain something more clearly.
But these experiences have taught me something valuable. A meaningful conversation does not require perfect grammar or impressive vocabulary. It requires sincerity, patience, and a willingness to learn.
People may forget our grammatical mistakes, but they often remember whether we treated them with respect.
Ultimately, the art of conversation is about much more than vocabulary, tone, or technique. It is about the condition of the human heart.
A person may memorize hundreds of polite expressions and still speak with hidden pride. Someone may learn how to give compliments while secretly envying the success of others. Another person may master persuasive language while using it for selfish purposes.
External communication skills cannot permanently conceal an unhealthy inner life.
Jesus teaches in Luke 6:45:
“For of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.”
— Luke 6:45, KJV
This verse reveals the spiritual foundation of our speech. Our words are expressions of what fills our hearts.
When our hearts are filled with resentment, our words often become bitter. When we are consumed by pride, our speech may become dismissive. When we are ruled by anger, even ordinary conversations can turn into conflicts.
But when our hearts are shaped by gratitude, compassion, humility, and love, our words begin to change.
We become more willing to encourage others. We become less eager to criticize. We learn to listen before judging. We begin to recognize the dignity of people whose experiences and opinions differ from our own.
This kind of transformation cannot be achieved merely by memorizing communication formulas. It requires spiritual growth.
As Christians, we believe that God is concerned not only with what we say but also with who we are becoming. He desires to transform our hearts so that our words increasingly reflect His character.
That transformation is a lifelong process.
I am still learning. Whether I am speaking English, communicating with my family, preaching a sermon, or offering pastoral care, I recognize that there is always room for growth.
Sometimes my words are not as clear as I would like. Sometimes I speak too quickly. Sometimes my intentions are good, but my expression lacks patience or gentleness.
Yet I believe that spiritual maturity is not the absence of mistakes. It is the willingness to recognize them, learn from them, and continue growing.
We do not need to become perfect speakers overnight. We can begin with small changes.
Listen a little more carefully today. Respond a little more gently tomorrow. Express appreciation more sincerely. Offer encouragement more generously. Admit mistakes more readily.
And when necessary, have the humility to say: “I'm sorry. I should have said that differently.”
Over time, these small acts of faithfulness can shape our character and transform our relationships.
Throughout our lives, we speak countless words. Most of them are quickly forgotten. But some remain in the hearts of others for years, perhaps even decades.
A parent's encouragement during a difficult childhood. A teacher's affirmation when a student has lost confidence. A friend's comforting words during a season of loneliness. A pastor's prayer during a time of suffering.
These moments may seem ordinary when they occur. Yet they can become lasting sources of strength.
The same is true of the words we speak today. We may never fully know how our conversations influence the lives of others.
A brief expression of kindness might encourage someone who is quietly struggling. A sincere apology might begin the healing of a broken relationship. A gentle response might prevent an unnecessary conflict. A thoughtful question might help someone feel understood for the first time in a long while.
That is why our words matter.
Proverbs 25:11 offers a beautiful image:
“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.”
— Proverbs 25:11, KJV
What a wonderful description! Words spoken at the right time, in the right spirit, and with the right purpose possess a beauty that goes far beyond eloquence.
They carry wisdom. They communicate dignity. They express love.
As we continue our journey through life, may we become people whose words bring more healing than harm, more encouragement than criticism, and more understanding than division.
May we learn when to speak and when to remain silent. May we have the courage to tell the truth and the humility to express it with love.
And may those who encounter us leave our conversations feeling respected, encouraged, and strengthened.
We may never become famous speakers or gifted communicators. But every one of us can become someone whose words make the world a little kinder.
Speaking well is a skill. Speaking wisely is a virtue. Speaking the truth in love is a lifelong calling.
And perhaps the greatest measure of our communication is not how many people admire our words, but how many people have been strengthened because we spoke.
Paul Zhang (张崇助)
Indianapolis, Indiana, USA
October 22, 2026
Scripture quotations are from the King James Version (KJV).
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