From Holding Fast to Learning to Let Go: The Journey of My Thinking and Spiritual Growth

Reflections After Seven In-Depth Conversations with Myself

By Chongzhu Zhang (Paul Zhang)

Preface: An Unexpected Journey of Self-Discovery

Recently, I encountered a personal-development framework called HUMAN 3.0. It seeks to help people understand their stage of development and discover paths for growth across several dimensions: mind, body, spirit, and vocation.

I have always been interested in this kind of exploration—not because I want a theory to prove how mature I am, but because I increasingly realize that even after decades of living and experiencing so much, a person may still not truly know himself.

So I began an in-depth interview with the help of artificial intelligence. Rather than rushing to a conclusion, the AI asked one question at a time. After each response, it examined my reasoning and asked a deeper question.

The questions ranged from how I respond to conflicting worldviews to how I acknowledge mistakes; from my experiences in China to my pastoral ministry in America; and from holding to my convictions to learning to share responsibility with fellow workers.

Seven questions led me to revisit decades of changes in my thinking.

Gradually I realized that perhaps the greatest change in me over these years is not how much knowledge I have gained or how much I have accomplished. It is learning to face my limitations, revise my judgments, and change how I act without abandoning my faith.

This essay gathers my reflections on those seven conversations.

1. From Quick Judgments to Understanding Others

The first question was: What is your first reaction when you encounter an idea that contradicts your current worldview?

I answered that I do not want to rush to judgment. I increasingly recognize that no one's ideas arise in a vacuum. The era in which someone lives, the environment in which they grow up, their education, their suffering, and their social and cultural setting all shape how they understand the world.

People standing in different places may see different sides of the same event. When I hear a view unlike my own, I want first to understand its origins, background, and formation before reaching a conclusion.

If, after investigation, reflection, and prayer, I find that the other person has good reasons and that my previous understanding was mistaken, I am willing to change.

But I must admit that knowing what I ought to do is not the same as doing it every time. When an idea touches a long-held conviction, defensiveness comes easily. We may start preparing our rebuttal before we have truly heard the other person.

I need to keep reminding myself: Understanding someone does not mean agreeing with every view they hold; holding to my convictions does not mean refusing to listen.

Real growth is not insisting that I am always right. It is becoming increasingly willing to examine whether I am right.

2. From an Idealized View of Political Systems to Greater Concern for the Human Heart

The second question brought me back to an important change in my thinking since coming to the United States.

In the past, I greatly admired American democracy. While living in China, I saw democracy as a political system worth pursuing and hoped that China might move in that direction.

After coming to America, however, I began to reconsider that understanding as I learned more about American history, political institutions, and social realities.

I gradually recognized that every political system has limitations. Democracy cannot simply be reduced to majority rule. American constitutional design also includes limits on power, protection of minority rights, and checks and balances among institutions. These arrangements deserve careful study.

But I began asking a more fundamental question: If the human heart does not change, can changing external institutions alone solve humanity's deepest problems?

As a Christian and pastor, I increasingly emphasize human sinfulness, moral responsibility, and the renewal of life. I believe people need the salvation of Jesus Christ and transformation from within.

Of course, this does not mean that institutions have no value, or that religious faith eliminates the need for oversight of power. Precisely because human beings are limited and capable of sin, both institutional restraints and moral renewal matter.

For my part, however, I have come to understand my primary calling more clearly: I am not a political reformer. I am a preacher of the gospel and a pastor of the church.

My calling is to help people know Jesus Christ, allow the gospel to enter their lives, and accompany them as they grow.

This does not diminish the work of others. It helps me see more clearly where to devote my limited time and energy.

3. From Emphasizing My Own Perspective to Respecting Different Callings

The third question raised an interesting situation: What would I do if a Christian theologian whom I deeply respect held a different view from mine?

I answered that my first thought would be that God may give different people different callings.

Some Christians are especially concerned with social justice; others devote themselves to education or public affairs; still others serve in missions and pastoral ministry. We serve different communities, live in different settings, and carry different responsibilities.

I once compared God's truth to a diamond. A diamond has many facets. Seen from different angles and under different light, it reveals different brilliance.

God's truth is rich, while human understanding is limited. In our finite lives, we cannot exhaust all the wisdom of God.

Paul writes:

“For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.”

—1 Corinthians 13:12 (NIV)

This verse often reminds me how limited my knowledge remains.

Of course, I am also learning that differences of opinion cannot always be explained by different callings. If two claims genuinely contradict one another on a matter of truth, we still need to study Scripture carefully and discern what is right.

But where approaches or priorities differ without contradicting Scripture, I want to learn greater respect.

I do not need to deny another person's calling in order to establish the value of my own.

This is an ongoing lesson in my cross-cultural life and pastoral ministry.

4. From Defending My Position to Respecting the Community's Decisions

The fourth question returned me to the realities of church life.

Suppose an important coworker proposes a direction for the church that I believe departs from biblical teaching, yet most people support that person. What would I do?

I answered that I would clearly explain my understanding. As a pastor, I have a responsibility to teach Scripture and to identify what I believe conflicts with biblical principles.

But if I have explained my reasons carefully and the congregation still favors another position, I would not demand obedience merely because I am the pastor.

I would maintain my reservations and continue praying for them. As long as we can still serve together, I am willing to fulfill my responsibilities. If a major disagreement eventually makes cooperation impossible, I would also be willing to leave after appropriate discernment.

Yet this conversation led me to reflect on a deeper question: When I believe I am defending biblical truth, have I adequately distinguished the teaching of Scripture itself from my personal interpretation of it?

This is a question every pastor must face repeatedly. We may know Scripture well and have years of ministry experience, but that does not make every judgment we form infallible.

Spiritual authority must not become an excuse to reject questions. Genuine pastoral care involves not only telling others what they should do, but also humbly seeking understanding together before Scripture.

I hope neither to surrender principle merely to please the majority nor to lose the ability to listen because I am determined to uphold principle.

5. From Intense Action to Learning Patience and Waiting

The fifth question touched a deeply significant period of my life.

Beginning in 2014, crosses were removed from church buildings in parts of Zhejiang Province, China. At that time, I actively participated in efforts to protect church crosses. My position was firm, and my actions were sometimes intense.

Later, I spent eight months in prison as a result. That experience profoundly affected my life and became part of the background to my eventual move to the United States.

Even today, I do not regret standing by my faith and defending the church's rights. But as I have grown older and experienced more, I have begun to reconsider how I handled those events.

I have gradually realized: The principle behind an action may be right, yet the way we pursue it may not be the wisest.

I used to be impatient by temperament. When I saw something unreasonable, I wanted to change it immediately. When I saw a problem, I wanted to act at once. Once convinced that something should be done, I tended to commit myself wholeheartedly and found waiting difficult.

This temperament has strengths. It helps me act courageously rather than retreat from difficulty. But it also has limitations.

Sometimes acting too quickly intensifies conflict. Sometimes I act before my judgment has been sufficiently tested. Sometimes my intentions are good, but I have not considered what others can bear.

Looking back, I do not want simply to reject my former self. I believe God can continue working through human weakness and limitation. Yet believing that God guided me does not mean that every decision and method I used was beyond criticism.

I need to learn more patience, prayer, listening, and waiting.

James 1:19 teaches:

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” (NIV)

For me, this remains a lesson from which I have not graduated.

6. From Ambitious Vision to Accepting the Realities of Church Development

The sixth question brought me back to our search for a church meeting place over the past two years. This remains one of my major challenges.

In 2022, I began pastoring First Chinese Free Methodist Church in Indianapolis. Later, when Aldersgate Church, whose building we had shared, planned to sell its property, we had to reconsider where our congregation would meet in the future.

At the time, I raised a question: After nearly twenty years of existence, should our Chinese congregation take this opportunity to obtain a meeting place of its own?

Our Local Board of Administration (LBA) supported exploring that possibility. We began looking at areas around Indianapolis, particularly Fishers and Carmel.

We believed these communities had potential for growth among Chinese residents and might become important areas for future gospel ministry.

But once we began the actual search, we discovered that the challenges were much more complex than we had imagined.

Commercial rent was expensive. Churches suitable for long-term use were hard to find. Buying a building required substantial funds. Our congregation was small, and our financial capacity was limited.

Although someone had offered to help finance a purchase through a loan, the risks of long-term debt made other leaders understandably cautious.

At that time, I was full of confidence. I even considered selling my own house, if necessary, to make a sacrifice for the church's future. I wanted to make it happen quickly.

But reality kept reminding me that the situation was not so simple. Other coworkers had different concerns and different capacities for risk.

At first, I could not help feeling disappointed. Why could we not move forward together when I saw such an opportunity? Why was progress so difficult when I was willing to pay a personal price?

Eventually I began to understand an important principle: The sacrifice a pastor is willing to make does not mean the whole church is ready or able to bear the same cost.

The church is not my personal enterprise. It is the body of Christ. Its development requires shared vision and a shared capacity to shoulder responsibility.

If only the pastor is enthusiastic while others are not yet prepared, forcing a project forward may burden the congregation heavily.

So I began learning to slow down. We continued looking for opportunities and discussing possible partnerships with other churches. But I no longer believed we had to purchase a building according to my original timetable.

I began learning to pray:

Lord, this is your church. I am willing to fulfill my responsibility, but I cannot bear everyone else's responsibility for them, nor can I determine the timing of the church's development by my own strength. Teach me when to act and when to wait.

I increasingly understand that waiting does not mean abandoning action; it means continuing the necessary preparation when the conditions are not yet in place.

7. From Leading the Church Myself to Equipping Others to Lead

The seventh question made me consider something more far-reaching.

If one day I leave the congregation I now pastor—because of age, health, family, or some other reason—will it be able to continue growing?

My answer is that I believe it can. That confidence has a basis in what I have observed.

Since 2022, I have consistently promoted online Bible study from 8:00 to 9:00 a.m., Tuesday through Saturday. Over the years, I have seen real changes among brothers and sisters in the church.

Some who once hesitated to pray in public can now lead others in prayer. Some who were unfamiliar with Scripture or lacked regular Bible-reading habits have gradually developed lives of reading and devotion.

Where some gatherings once depended mainly on the pastor, more coworkers can now take responsibility for leading, worship, Scripture reading, and other ministries.

I am grateful for these changes. Yet I know there is still a distance between participating in ministry and independently caring for others spiritually.

That is why I have begun considering an important initiative for 2027: building a system for training spiritual companions.

I do not want this to be merely conventional small-group leader training. I want to nurture disciples who are willing to accompany others in their spiritual growth over time.

We can begin by training a few mature and willing believers, helping them learn to accompany new Christians in Bible reading, prayer, life's difficulties, and the development of steady habits of faith.

Then those companions can help train more companions. When someone new arrives at church, they will not merely attend a Sunday service; they will also have someone willing to walk alongside them. As they mature, they too can accompany others.

Paul writes in 2 Timothy 2:2:

“And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable people who will also be qualified to teach others.” (NIV)

This verse increasingly reminds me that pastoral ministry is not measured only by how many sermons I preach or how much work I do. It also concerns whether I equip people who are willing to carry the mission forward.

I hope that one day, even when I am no longer at this church, the brothers and sisters will continue worshiping, sharing the gospel, caring for one another, and nurturing new disciples.

Of course, I must acknowledge that this goal has not yet been fully realized. We have laid some groundwork, but a stable, sustainable system for making disciples still needs to be built. This will be an important task in the coming years.

8. Rediscovering My Growth After Seven Conversations

Looking back on these seven conversations, I see that changes in my thinking did not happen overnight. They emerged gradually through decades of living, suffering, studying, serving, and reflecting.

I would describe the journey in five movements:

First, from defending my own judgment to understanding others' backgrounds. I still have convictions, but I am learning to listen carefully to different voices.

Second, from emphasizing that I am right to acknowledging the limits of my understanding. I still pursue truth, but I no longer assume that I have grasped all of it.

Third, from rushing into action to choosing appropriate methods and timing. I remain willing to sacrifice for my faith, but I am learning that patience, communication, and waiting matter too.

Fourth, from personal ambition to recognizing the community's actual capacity. I still long for the church to grow, but I increasingly see that it cannot depend on the pastor's enthusiasm alone.

Fifth, from carrying the mission myself to equipping others to share it. I still want to serve diligently, but I am becoming more concerned with how ministry can endure.

These changes do not mean I have arrived at maturity. On the contrary, the conversations have helped me see more clearly how much growth I still need.

I can still be impatient. I can still trust my judgment too much. I can still underestimate the difficulty of reaching a beautiful goal. I still need to learn to listen, wait, and make decisions with others.

But I am grateful that I am now more aware of these challenges than I once was.

9. Real Growth Is Not About Proving Myself

When I was younger, perhaps I wanted more strongly to prove that I could accomplish important things. Later I experienced setbacks and paid heavy personal costs.

Today I increasingly believe that the value of a person's life cannot be measured entirely by the grand plans they accomplish.

Sometimes we work hard but do not succeed. Sometimes we pursue a goal for years without reaching it. Sometimes we expect God to open a door quickly, only to discover that we must wait a long time.

Yet this does not mean life has stopped growing. Sometimes God changes us through our circumstances before changing the circumstances themselves.

Sometimes what we most need to learn is not how to finish something faster, but how to remain faithful, humble, and trusting while it remains unfinished.

I think of Paul's words in Philippians 3:12:

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on.” (NIV)

I love this verse because it holds two truths together: I have not yet arrived, and I must not stop pressing forward.

This is how I understand growth today.

I do not want my past experiences to stop me from learning. Nor do I want years of pastoral service to persuade me that I no longer need correction. And I certainly do not want growing older to extinguish my curiosity about new things, my pursuit of truth, or my willingness to examine my own life.

I still want to learn, to be challenged, to revise my judgments when necessary, and to acknowledge how much I still lack.

10. The Road Ahead: Less Impatience, More Faithfulness

If these seven conversations have given me one central reminder, it is not a personal-development level or an AI-generated evaluation.

Rather, they have helped me see again that maturity is not merely knowing what is right; it is also learning to do what is right in the right way.

In the past, I often wanted circumstances to change quickly. Now I want to cultivate people more patiently.

In the past, I focused more on whether a goal could be achieved. Now I also ask whether the process of pursuing it helps people grow.

In the past, I was willing to carry many responsibilities myself. Now I want more people to mature and share those responsibilities.

In the past, I wanted to do the work well myself. Now I hope that even after I am gone, the ministry we have built will continue in health.

This is not abandoning ideals. It is learning to see them with a longer horizon.

I still long for revival in the church, for more people to know Jesus Christ, and for our congregation one day to have a suitable place for long-term ministry. I still hope to keep exploring theology, writing, and new technologies.

But I am increasingly clear that these pursuits are not meant to prove how capable I am. I hope God will use my limited life to bless more people.

I also hope to build more than short-lived achievements: relationships, communities, and systems that continue helping people grow.

Let truth be the foundation, growth in life the goal, long-term faithfulness the direction, and disciple-making the center of ministry.

This may be the path I most want to keep walking as I come to know myself anew.

Closing Reflections

Seven conversations cannot fully explain a human life. Nor can AI analysis replace Scripture, prayer, real relationships, or the testing that comes through years of living.

But this experience reminds me that we need to stop from time to time and ask ourselves:

What has actually changed in me over these years?

Am I still using yesterday's methods to face today's problems?

Am I willing to acknowledge my limitations?

Am I building myself up, or equipping others?

I will need to keep answering these questions through the life I live in the years ahead.

For growth is not the result of one interview. It is the work of a lifetime.

And I am still on the journey.

“He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

—Philippians 1:6 (NIV)

November 2026 · Chongzhu Zhang · Indianapolis, USA